Like many financially stable people of my generation, my brother and I cook experimentally. However, while other people have marvelous revelatory experiences cooking in cooperation with their roommates or partners, we don't, mostly because we work way the hell too much and there's a lot of time when we can't be experimental due to having to eat hot pockets or ramen or cold cereal for dinner in the short interval between coming home and going to bed. When I'm doing bushels of Chinese steamed buns, he's eating uncooked oatmeal in milk, and when, like tonight, he's marinating chicken breasts in all kinds of weird sauce mixes, I'm chopping up ham that has been badly burned in a microwave to make some sandwiches on expired bread.
Of course, sometimes non-sucky food happens by accident. To explain this one, we need to turn it over to C. "Roast Beef" Kazenzakis, to run down......
the rudest ham salad sandwich in the world
man you may say what the hell business has a ham salad sandwich got bein' rude but this one sure is. it is made out of primo ingredients so you know it is necessarily rude, but it is rudely prepared to be doubly rude.
start cutting some slices off the end of a cured virginia ham that somebody left in the fridge like paul's brother which he got before he realized that he was still allergic to the preservatives and thus could not eat it, or like ray would do all buying something and then forgetting about it in the gameroom fridge or something. you need one slice for each sandwich that you plan to make but you also need to make sure that the ham is not cooked because then the rest of the cooking even such as it is would be hell of unnecessary as you could just make a normal ham salad sandwich and not burn your fingers later.
if the ham is indeed not cooked cut the slices into hell of classy julienne strips and put them on a plate and put that plate in the microwave. cook them on high for three or four minutes or some such time that when you take them out the ham is sizzling and in places burned like when you make bacon for real old school in a fry pan. now the strips can get chopped down to the small bits like in a normal ham salad sandwich. put them in a bowl with the minimum amount of mayo to suspend all the ham bits because this is the rudest ham salad sandwich in the world not the fattiest which is not rude when we are talking ham sandwiches.
the sandwich basically makes itself from here on out because seriously who doesn't know how to make a ham salad sandwich. but for extra rudeness you got to put it on art bread that is almost expired and use some gourmet lettuce and stuff. then you can eat it in front of your friends and when they are all like what the hell is that dogg you can be all it is the rudest ham salad sandwich in the world. they will not believe you but if you have more ham and mayo and bread you can make them one and they will then have to agree. it is the atomic cooking and the curing preservatives interacting which make the ham taste hell of rude so you must have good ham but otherwise the other good ingredients are kind of bonus.
I officially approve this sandwich and this pretend Achewood posting.